Get the hammer: we're Reframing this whole thing!

When I am faced with an experience that is terrifying to me, I have gotten through it by thinking of it as a temporary fear. Like riding a roller coaster, which my well-meaning ex-husband thought was an important thing to do to "help me overcome my anxiety." In a way, he was right--from then on, I would say to myself, "Look, it's just like the roller coaster. It will be horrible, but then it will end. You just have to get through it."

So, that is how I have faced fear ever since. But what about when the thing you fear is also FANTASTIC? Yeah, that's where I find myself. Face first into Tommy tech week(s), where I am two weeks away from actually having to PERFORM IN THIS SHOW. It is here. 

So, do I face this same fear in the same way? Just grit my teeth, swallow the bile in my throat, and "get through it"? I have realized the obvious. This is a different situation. One where I am both afraid AND fulfilling a life-long dream. One where there is no destination or amazing thing at the end of the experience that makes it all worthwhile (my driver's license, my daughter, the exit gate of the Mind Bender).

This show, being IN THIS SHOW, IS THE THING I WANT. I don't want to ruin it by just trying to "get through it" or (worse) driving my fellow cast members crazy with my desperate need for validation and positive feedback. NONONONONONONONOOOOOO NOPE.

So, I'm going to reframe this experience. I will enjoy it. I will fear it. I'll damned we'll BE IN IT without thinking of it as "horrible/terrifying/SO EFFING SCARY!!!!" 

This is not the roller coaster. This is something I've wanted to do my whole life. And I'm going to live it; because, as Tommy says, "Freedom tastes of reality!"

Sitzing with the Band! And hair!

When the show is a few weeks from opening, one of the last rehearsals is the "sitzprobe"-- the German word to describe it--where the cast sits with the band and sings/plays through the whole show. Usually, these groups rehearse separately, so this is the big chance to get acquainted.

And it was so freakin' exciting, I nearly lost my mind! Tommy is a "rock musical", but most of your time rehearsing the songs is kind of like being in a choir--singing to a piano accompaniment, learning your part of each song. Let me tell you, friends; I had no idea how much I missed having the guitars, bass and drums! I was really starting to worry that I had lost touch with music. I can't read music well, or, frankly, AT ALL. I was feeling so far behind everyone, lost in the minutiae of the songs--each note feeling like a struggle. I felt so far away from the songs as a whole. I could not hear the big picture.

But, sitting there, surrounded by the power of rock music, I found it. My feel for music, my connection (especially to rock) drove through me--it felt fantastic! I finally connected to the songs as a whole. People will often say that I have to "get out of my own head", and they are right. The problem is, I have no idea how to do that. Or, I didn't, until yesterday. 

Now I remember. Crank up the music and effin' ROCK OUT!!! (I realize it's so not rock 'n roll of me NOT to swear, but I try not to offend. Forgive me, rock gods.)

I also weaselled my way onto the production team! There was no one to handle hair design, and I had some ideas. And I can't leave well enough alone. And I missed being on the production side. I can't help it! GO TECH!

What did I think would happen?

Here's the thing: I meant it when I said I'd work my ass off for this show. The problem was, I hadn't given much thought to what that would mean in concrete terms. Yesterday at the choreo clean up rehearsal, I learned the hard way what it means for me.

And I'm kicking myself for not thinking this way from day effin' ONE. 

IT MEANS REHEARSING SOMETHING FROM THE SHOW EVERY SINGLE DAY, not just on the designated rehearsal days. Especially the dancing, which I knew from the audition that I was not good at. Why, in God's name, it took me until now to get this through my thick skull, I don't know.

I would like to go on punishing myself for my stupidity, but I know that time is better used by practicing for this show that means SO MUCH to me. I will not be the weak link in this show. I will do what I promised everyone I would do. Maya Angelou said that when you know better, you do better. So now I know. 

It's time to DO!

A LINE!!!

I get to say a few lines (ok, one line that I repeat) in Tommy!!!! I get to play the "middle aged vendor" who the hooligans steal newspapers from during "Miracle Cure"! I actually get to say something, in an accent! (I've been perfecting a British accent since falling madly in love with Duran Duran when I was 12! Like, in private. I'm no weirdo.) And, it's a pretty good accent, if I do say so myself. John Taylor would be proud.

I can't believe that ANOTHER dream come true is coming true! I mean, being in the show was something I never thought I'd do. Actually saying a few words during the show? Never never ever thought I'd see the day. I'm blown away. 

In other updates, I still don't dance well. I'm giving it the good ol' college try, but it's a slow process. And I got to try on my very first costume piece! Bought for me, to wear as an actor! And it fit! A great rehearsal all around. There are also some great people reaching out to me and helping me along. I've got a little more than a month and then I step onto the stage FOR REALLY REAL. I'm trying not to think about it too much, as I enjoy sleep and would like to be able to do so for the next month.

This is happening. Really happening. Tickets are on sale, really happening.

Now I'm going to try not to think about it for a while, so I don't barf.