What is it with me and Read Through meetings?

We had our read through (where the design team shares their vision for the show and the cast read through the script and listen to the show music) for Tommy today. As with the read through for Drood; I was really excited before I got there, and then terrified once I was there. I really felt strange, not being on the production team side. The cast side involves a lot of socializing, and we all know how great I am at that! Why is it that when I feel like I'm losing my mind, everyone else looks so calm and confident? 

Well, at least I didn't cry all the way home after this one. 

But yes, THE ANXIETY was set at 11, with the knob broken clean off the meter. I want to do everything right. I want to be an asset to the show. The ideas the team has are so good, I'd hate myself (more) if I suck at delivering them. I am scared, man. Scared out of my wits. 

5, 6, 7, 8...

Dance class, specifically Beginner Jazz, started last night! It's safe to say that my hopes of natural dance talent are squashed, but I did better than I thought. I do have rhythm, but I get so focused on watching Danielle's feet that I forget to listen to the music and dance with it!

Step, touch, step, together, now, roll the shoulders if you can...and I can't. Not at the same time, anyway.

See, those who know me know I'm a fat person. No need to try to hush me--I'm using fat as an adjective, the same as I am a blonde person. I don't use it as an insult; it's a fact that doesn't make me, or anyone else, any less valuable as a person. Anyway, the fat around my abdomen makes it hard for me to do balance poses and whatnot, so I need to work on the ol' core. I was wobbling more than a baby colt out there in my "jazz shoes". So you know, jazz shoes are "shoes" the way tissues are "paper"--not one bit of support in those glorified leather socks! At the same time as my feet were angry (my big toes are still bitter), I could not have been happier in those "shoes".

I've always dreamed of dancing, ever since watching "Fame" as a tween on the TV. Every week, I'd be glued to the screen, wishing I could go to that kick ass school. Damn show...blame Debbie Allen, toes! It's all her fault. Now, my Debbie is named Danielle, and she is much nicer and more patient with me. She has to be, folks. I'm out there, flailing around, but I'm loving it. Let's do this again next week, shall we?

Everyone, JAZZ HANDS!!!!

EN! SEMBLE!!!

I got it! I'm in the ensemble!!! After six months of being obsessed with this damn show, my dream has come true!!! 

I still can't believe it. I don't even know what to say. I'm gobsmacked!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who held my hand through this process, to my family for letting me do this...holy crap! It's real!

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

I hear you, Tom Petty. I am the most impatient person EVER. I hate waiting so much, I was even BORN six weeks early. 

But then, you go out for something you really, REALLY want, and you have to wait to see if you got it. You have to distract yourself and try not to think about THE THING. I am also terrible at that. The Anxiety has a rotten side effect of obsessive thinking. So, instead of distracting myself, THE THING is the only thing I can think about. Thankfully, the excellent show I'm helping on, The Mystery of Edwin Drood, has kept me busy for some of the wait time. The rest of the time, my mind keeps churning over the possibilities: "Did I do well enough during my audition?" "I know I'm totally inexperienced! But I do spend a lot of my life trying to act normal!" "Am I the puzzle piece they are looking for?"

Gaaaaaaah! And why do acting classes have to cost so much? I don't see ever getting a paying acting gig, so I don't think the Hubs would be on board to pay anything much for a lesson. These are the things that make me so frustrated and angry that I was held back by fear for so long. All those years wasted! 

Anyway, the "call backs" for the show are tomorrow evening; but, so far, I haven't been called back. Apparently they only contact you for call backs if they want to see "something else" from you (whatever that means). It doesn't mean they won't be casting you, and it doesn't guarantee that they will cast you. So I won't know anything until Thursday at the earliest?

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Yes, Coffee Cup, I do.

My "Inside Out" coffee cup. If anyone on Earth should own this cup, I should.

I was thinking the other night about many things: Victorian hairstyles mostly (because I'm doing the Hair for Drood!!! WTF? I better not screw it up!), but also the chances I have been taking in the last year or two. About redefining what success in life means to me. Mainly because I was wondering (preparing myself) how I would handle it if/when I find out that I didn't get a part in "Tommy". Why wouldn't I be crushed, humiliated, devastated? 

Here's what I realized: EVERYTHING about this whole theatre experience is a Dream Come True for me.

Got an FRC pen and pencil to go with the Drood binder with my name on it? Yep. 

Taking a (much needed) dance class? Yep. (I'll try my best!)

Being able to be backstage, helping at shows? Yep. 

Being in a program? Yep. 

Getting a square of paper, indicating that I am on the cast and crew of a show and must park here? Yep. 

Walk in a Pride parade, supporting my beliefs? Yep. 

Taking an auditioning class? Yep.

Auditioning for a show? Damn straight Yep. ESPECIALLY YEP.

All of it, every moment/event/piece of paper is a dream come true. And here's why: these are all things I was sure I would be too afraid to EVER take part in. THE ANXIETY has kept my life very small. I have always been "too afraid to try that". "That" included a whole massive shwackload of things I loved, admired, hoped for, dreamed about my entire life. Things that were not on a "bucket list" because I never, EVER thought I would be able to overcome the intense anxiety that I felt. EVER. I was sure I would die before having the courage to do anything I dreamed of. But now, the desire has finally outgrown the fear.

So, if you're ever wondering why I'm excited about things that seem so small, that's why. And why I'll probably never lend you a pen again.

The Good, the Bad, and the Fender Bender

I did it!!!! I had my first audition, and I think I did ok! The singing part went well, I think, but the dancing? Meh. I'm no dancer at this point, let me tell you that. Man, when I was a kid and a teenager, I LOVED dancing. I watched the TV show "Fame" and dreamed of going to a school like that. Dancing, singing, acting, all that awesomeness. Then THE ANXIETY took over my life and I stopped doing anything that might draw attention to me. My dreams went to the back burner of a stove in another house in another universe.

But today, I was determined to put all of that behind me. Sorry, Fear, you lose today. Not even the minor fender bender I got into RIGHT BEFORE THE EFFIN' AUDITION was going to stop me (but it did help me temper my panic with shame and disappointed in myself early). And I'm signed up for a Jazz class at the theatre, so hopefully Danielle can help me get my head and feet around it all! I have complete faith in her. In me? Not so much...

I feel sort of in a fog right now. It's the post freak out exhaustion. I hope to snap out of it so I can truly enjoy the experience and show my profound gratitude to all those who helped me get through this and enjoy it! 

Now, I know it will be hard to go about your lives with your fingers crossed for me; but I'd appreciate all the good luck you can send! Man, I want to be in this show!

Now, to focus on learning Victorian hairstyles for Drood!

It's ALMOST TOMORROW!!!

Sweet Holy Mother, my audition is TOMORROW!!!

Are you screaming inside? BECAUSE I AM!!!

I am very, very frightened. Like I was before my driver's tests. Yes, plural, tests. It took me a whopping EIGHT tries to pass my driving test (over the course of two decades. It took a while to build up the courage to try again.) Not because I cannot drive, but because of (I bet you've guessed it already) THE ANXIETY. I would have a panic attack during each try, and I needed treatment and medication to finally get it done. It was one of the three happiest days of my life; and it was two years ago, today. 

And tomorrow? Equally as terrifying, hopefully a lot more successful! I have the song memorized, I have the acting ideas in my head, and now I have to DO THE THING. Thankfully, I have my last auditioning class right before my actual audition; so I'll be as prepared as possible. 

My stomach hurts. I want my mommy.

Wish me luck!

Acting and singing is fun!

So, when you sing at a recital or in your choir, the goal is to stand basically still and sing the song as close to perfectly as you can. We all know I have never acted, so my obsessive focus has been on this song. Memorizing the lyrics, trying my best to sing it the best I can. Standing still.

So, you know when they say an actor is wooden? Yeah. There is THE MOVEMENT in the acting. And, what is actually really awesome? Being perfect isn't a goal! I mean, you better get the words right, and you should sound "good" (whatever that means to who is casting the show), but you are supposed to MOVE. To give life to the story behind the words. 

And that is freakin' FUN! And exciting! And scary, but in a good way! I loved it! I could just let it go and get right into the song, like when I was a teenager and everything was VERY IMPORTANT AND EMOTIONAL. And the best part? The most unbelievable, surreal part?

I wasn't anxious. 

Go ahead, read it again. I don't believe it either. 

I wasn't afraid, embarrassed, anxious, filled with fear. I don't know why, any more than I could explain astrophysics. I should have been terrified. I should have hated every minute of standing in front of people, singing and acting (it wasn't Shakespeare, but it wasn't bad for a first timer!). But I didn't, and I wasn't.

I don't want to alarm anyone, but I also handled my girl starting kindergarten this week without crying my eyes out. I may have had some kind of psychotic break. Just saying.